The Mottled Macaroon

You see. I have never been a fan of arachnids. Ever. This a relationship that started in childhood and has picked up momentum throughout my life. I like other bugs. For example, ladybirds are pretty cool (so long as they arent flying at me, because then they look and sound like bumblebees if you arent paying attention – so in my book freaking out is entirely understandable…) I don’t mind grasshoppers either, just so long as they arent jumping on me on mass (I mean, that shits just scary.) Spiders however are an entirely different kind of scary altogether. They’re little tiny fragments of nightmares personified. Firstly, they have too many legs. I’m sorry – but that’s just plain greedy. Any more than four is excessive for an insect. What do they need all those legs for? Tap dancing? And whats with that creepy spindling across the floor like a drunken clump of pubes? And then… THEN they have the AUDACITY to freeze half way across the floor as if lack of movement will detract from the fact there is a dirty great big SPIDER on the floor. Honestly… How stupid do they think we are?

Now. My parents live in tut country and their place happens to be a converted barn with a high beamed ceiling. However beams = spider utopia. Unfortunately for me, when I visit I stay in the only available guest room which is a converted hayloft that you can only reach by ladder. (Thanks for that by the way. I mean, if the spiders don’t kill me, sleep walking right off the edge of the hayloft will probably do the job nicely…) Every time I visit I have to stick on every available light and blast the bloody things with the hoover so I can get some sleep. I forgot to do this one evening only to wake up, sit bolt upright, turn the light on – and see a huge spider hanging right in front of me, inches from my nose. Talk about traumatic. I crapped myself inside out. And if it wasnt bad enough having this hideous thing inches from my face, imagine how horrified I was when it free-fell into the bed covers.

Can of worms. Open. Oh the horror.

I still can’t go to sleep without checking for the blighter’s.

Anyway, so I was just blogging away a moment ago … as you do… and then THIS appeared.

Maybe its like Beetlejuice and I said its name one too many times? Bottom line, I almost wet myself … Well, Almost. Instead I beat that thing to death so hard I’m almost positive that I woke up my downstairs neighbours. Oh well, it was me or the spider – and I was the one with the slipper…

Unfortunately, there are plenty more where that came from.